No to gay, 4th of July

So this weekend, I spent time with the family, as I’m sure many “American Famillies” did in light of July 4th.   It was very pleasant until a younger cousin of mine went on a rant about all the gay kids in her school and how she can not even stand in the same room as a gay person. She says, they are all over the place. Someone else would chime in saying,” when guys go gay they’re gay forever, but with girls they just go through a phase of liking girls. I’m thinking to my self, “this is a long ass phase I’m dealing with.”

It’s terrible when your family has a conversation about their disapproval of gay people and you’re trapped in the closet, cracking the door thinking you’re about to bust out and be free. After that rant was over,  I wanted to scream out “well I’m gay, now what!?”

Really, what would they do? I can imagine everyone’s jaw dropping followed by awkward silence and discomfort felt by all. At that point, I would have probably headed for the door.

I’m growing tired of tormenting my self for the mere comfort of others.

OUt of what? TP?

“I’m coming out.” What does this mean? A lot of things, but first it means that you’ve accepted yourself for who you are and that you are not ashamed of that person.  This is my understanding of coming out to the world. So the question I often ask my self is, why is it so hard for me to accept my self and not be ashamed of me? I mean, I see others who are out and proud. I know people who are out and proud, yet I’ve allowed my self to live a double life. There’s the life in my head, where my true feelings and thoughts echo and there’s my painful reality, the one I live daily.

Now, I’m out to two of my friends. One of which is still in denial and though she is supportive, i find myself constantly reminding her that I’m interested in women. This especially occurs when we’re out at a bar or club and she’s baiting me, to get drinks.  Her mantra, ” I’ m married, but she’s single!”

My other friend is up and down gay. He doesn’t even have to announce it to anyone. Most of my friends are straight and mildly conservative . I’m the rambunctious one, believe it or not.

Anyway, I’m always working on my self and though I’ve grown over the years, in the matter of my sexual preference, I have wasted a lot of time because of fear. Oh it doesn’t help to hear about LGTB people getting beaten. Even with that, believe or not, I’m more afraid of my family’s reaction, especially my mother. My mother is wondering when I’m going to settle and give her a grandchild.” The clock is ticking,” she says.

Yes it is. One of my goals is to fully come out.